I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
