Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
