dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
