I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
