Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
