Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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