He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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