Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
