I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
