apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
