genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize