proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
