remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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