He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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