just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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