I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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