im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
