I just gift wrapped bread.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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