Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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