I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
