He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
