yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
