Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
