Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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