the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
