Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
