I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
