Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
