Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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