listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
