Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
