The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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