you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the day after is always just damage control
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
