Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
