Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize