All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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