My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
