I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
