I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
