you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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