yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
this boner is exhausting
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
