the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
