i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
