I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
