I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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