Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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