doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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