I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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