I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
