Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
40s are totally the cure
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