The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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