At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
