i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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