life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
