Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
