He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
