whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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