When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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