I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
