I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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