You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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